Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives

I came to this self-help book through Dr. Burgo’s honest and insightful blog “After Psychotherapy.” I’ve long been fascinated by the topic of psychological defense mechanisms, which I first learned about in therapy and later studied in psych classes. I think they represent one of the more helpful topics discussed in psychotherapy. Dr. Burgo explains the role of the basic defenses with clear descriptions and relatable examples culled from his 30+ years in practice. Some, like repression and denial, have become part of our general lexicon, but others, such as splitting and displacement, are lesser known. Although we are often unaware of it, all of us rely on defenses (to a greater or lesser degree) to shield ourselves from emotional pain. Our personalities are partly determined by which ones we employ. They only become problematic for us and interfere with our relationships when we overuse them. If we find ourselves doing so, it can be helpful to explore feelings that are buried beneath the surface, to see why we may be relying so heavily on defenses mechanisms. While this may be best done in therapy, it is possible to do it on our own to some extent, and Why Do I Do That? facilitates this self-exploration. Throughout the book, Dr. Burgo gently encourages us to peel back our protective layers and face what’s there, however unattractive or uncomfortable those thoughts and feelings might be, in order to discover what’s behind our undesired behaviors. The goal is to gradually be able to accept a broad range of emotions so that we no longer have the need to cover them up. Burgo suggests that once we determine not only which defenses we are using, but more importantly why, we can begin to reduce their use and become more honest and successful in our relationships.

I’ve read a lot of self-help books and almost all of them have a catchy hook with an easy-read style that leaves a convincing but hollow message with the reader. ‘Why do I do that?’ Hit differently. I consider myself a very defensive person and this book was a very difficult book to read, emotionally speaking. It made me identify and realize my behavior in a way that I would have never figured out by myself. Warning - this book will more than likely bring up past trauma and emotional pain. It has almost brought me to tears on many occasions. But I’m deeply grateful that it fell onto my path as I can now begin to build a better ability to cope with emotional situations, and how to react to situations in a more conscientious and understanding way. Thanks to Dr. Burgo for writing this gem!

I rarely read self help books, but I'm glad I picked this one up. The author does a good job of both explaining certain behaviors and assuring the reader that they aren't inherently bad for doing them. I often find that many self help books paint angry or selfish people in a bad light, and I'm tired of that. Those that hurt us are in pain too (and we aren't evil for living with anger or hatred), and I really appreciate that the author took the time to point that out whenever it was merited. I also like that the author was realistic. None of us can ever achieve perfection and we all slip from time to time, so the author gives us a look at what a good goal is and how we should strive to be "better", rather than "happy". Each of the examples provided about previous clients were helpful to the point, rather than just serving as filler. And the author talked of his own difficulties which humanized him and made me like him more. The style and pace were both great, I never felt like I was being talked down to or that there was too much or too little information on any given subject. I took away a star for two reasons, which may not affect other people's reading experience. The first was that the book was a little heavy on Freud's ideas and I'm a little wary of relying on something so far in the past, especially given that there's been issues with his work. Most of the topics covered could have easily used information from more recent works, and I think the arguments posited would have been stronger if they had. And the second is the way sexuality is discussed. I think it's important to acknowledge that there is a difference between not liking sex for emotional reasons like fear or anger and simply not being a sexual person. I think it's a little antiquated to assume that asexuality is a defense mechanism. Of course, a sudden loss of interest or, like previously stated, avoidance because of emotional issues, is indicative of a problem. But asexuality in general is not.

My son is 18, I am 49. This book says all the things we feel and think and couldn't put it in words. This really is a great book

I love this book! It's very insighful and can be used for professionals as well as civilians. Could be used for personal and professional insight into human behaviours and self reflection. It might even help people to have better quality of relationships with each other with more insight into their behaviours. I would definitely recommend this book.

I have been practicing reducing my automatic defense mechanisms for over 25 years and this book still gave me 'aha' moments. Thank you for a wonderfully simplistic account of human behavior. As a newly qualified counsellor I know I will read this book over and over again.

Excellent summery of mental's defenses mechanisms. You can easily adapt the theory of this book to your own behaviour, o to others persons

It's a book one can read and re-read, the connections and relevations are interesting.... I absolutely recommend this book to understand ourselves better and be more understanding with others.

The book helped me to understand some defence mechanisms that have been part of my personality for a long time now.