Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

I have a masters in forensic psychology and this is one of my all time favorite books on spotting manipulation tactics. It is a powerful book in its content. I have a 2000 book library, and this is absolutely one of my favorite books on any subject, but especially within the field of psychology. I copied and pasted a bit of my notes for you below to give you a better sense for this book: At the heart of emotional blackmail is an unspoken threat which seeks to coerce compliance with an unjustified demand. In responding to it, we must first come to the realization that there is a difference between making someone suffer and letting someone suffer by their own hand, their own deeds, and their own character. Allowing someone to continue in their own suffering can in fact allow them the necessary opportunity in which to learn the necessary lessons. Rescuing people from themselves not only harms us, it harms them in that it keeps them from learning their lessons. Let people suffer. Do not intervene between a person’s actions and his own consequences. Disapproval is ultimately the key to emotional blackmail. In a way, fear, guilt, and obligation pray on our sense of approval. Disapproval is another person’s means of manipulating us by making the relationship contingent upon our appeasement of their unjustified demands and submission to injustice and purposeful manipulation. Emotional blackmail preys on fear, obligation,and guilt. Its manipulation tactics are either based on instilling fear, or obligation based on guilt. Whether that fear or obligation is real or justifiable is of no importance- only submission is required. Emotional blackmailers use our conscience against us in terms of guilt, and our sense of responsibility against us in terms fo obligation, and our desire for harmony in terms of fear- whether that fear be based on disapproval or their unjustified anger.

This is a wonderful, enlightening read into the psychopathy of the narcissistic, manipulative, anti-social people who try to guilt you into doing what's best for them - but worse for you. They win, you lose. You slave away, they fire you and try to erode you personal sense of wellbeing - all the while enjoying your hardwork and goodwill. Susan Forward changed my life with her excellent insights and poignant advice. I was able to see just how narcissistic my self serving family was, how little they cared about the daughter in their life, how they took great pleasure in bragging about my success, all the while emotionally clobbering me any chance they could, no more! Enter Susan Forward with the most healing therapeutics ever!! Your advice works! Thank you Susan!!

I suffered for decades with an emotionally abusive sibling who was masterful at manipulating me and the rest of our family into feeling like all of his meltdowns were our fault. This book help me realize two important things: 1. Narcissists aren't always grandiose. Sometimes they are covert and love to wallow in their misery and drag you down with them. 2. It takes two for bad behavior to continue. It's not my fault that the abuse happened but I did (unknowingly) allow it to continue. Realizing I had to power to change the dynamic of this relationship was incredibly freeing. This book helped me establish boundaries and define unacceptable behavior with my brother. After a period of lashing out (narcissist always go into a rage when you let them know you will no longer give them the response they desire and are used to) my brother finally found other outlets for his issues and we have a much calmer relationship. It will likely never be great because like so many narcissist he is unable to acknowledge his behavior was abusive. But it is at least cordial. I have bought several copies of this book over the years to give to friends and family members dealing with similar situations. Highly recommended.

Great book with really useful/helpful information. However, in most of these cases, you are really dealing with narcissists. Calling it just emotional blackmail is like calling an alcoholic someone who is fond of drinking. If you find that your resonate with many of the examples, do yourself a favor and get more help on narcissism because that it what you are really dealing with. Great books on Amazon and YouTube has some great videos. I like Dr. Ramani for learning all you could want to know about the subject. Giving it 4 out of 5 stars for missing the mark on this vital aspect, imho!

I was looking for help in dealing with a manipulative individual in my life. I found this book, and almost didn't buy it, but I am so glad I did. I thought the author did an excellent job communicating what emotional blackmail is, what it looks like in its many forms and what to do about it. I isn't a - cut blackmailers out of your life - kind of book, but it gave me tools with which I could use to negotiate with this person and to set rules of engagement. It helped me see when my emotions were mine and when they were instilled by another and when that was ok and when that other person just wanted to make me do what they wanted. It gives examples of situations, conversations and family dynamics to illustrate and explain emotional blackmail. There were examples of work, marital, parent-child and friendship blackmailers. There were male and female blackmailers and so on. I am so glad I found this book. I have learned great tools to help me deal with my own blackmailers. I feel like I can be more assertive and diplomatic. It was a great learning experience.

After a couple of abusive marriages, I found this book to be spot-on. It has good explanations, even if you just have a difficult relationship with a family member. Easy to read and understand, in my opinion. Bought one for a friend, too.

The book describes various mechanisms really well and helps understanding them.

This book helped me gather knowledge and strength for leaving a toxic relationship that had been destroying my self-esteem for almost 2 years.

good understand of narcissistic people

I usually never write reviews but I think this book really deserves the praise. I have read many books but always felt like they repeat what you already know. However this book has impacted my life in a very positive way, especially during the worst time of my life. It has helped take control of my situation. A few months after reading this book, I had a lot of people tell me I have changed, and it was obvious they weren’t happy about it as I started choosing my own peace instead of people pleasing. With time and practice, it got easier to say no and choose myself without guilt. I bought it second hand before but considering buying a new copy of it as I really appreciate the positive impact it has had on me.

「もし私のことがすきなら・・・してくれてもいいんじゃないの？」「あなたのせいで・・・」「君は当然こうすべきだったのに・・・」 など、私たちの優しさや相手への愛情などを逆手にとって、このような言葉をなげかけては、私たちを「意のままに」あやつろうとする人々がいます。 そのような言葉を投げかけては私たちを上手に操ろうとする人たちを、著者はBlackmailerと位置づけて、「その関係にある当事者は犠牲者も加害者もBlackmailerだとは気づいていない、ましてや操られているともきづかない、まずはそれを見抜き、自らを解放しよう！」と書いています。 そして、そのような私たちの優しさや愛情、罪悪感や恐怖、責任感を利用されないために、そのようなBlackmailerの見抜き方やそれらの人々に具体的にどのような対処をしていけばいいのか、なども丁寧に教えてくれます。 「私たちはとてもいい関係だとおもうんだけど、時々・・・」と思うような人はひょっとしたら相手はBlackmailerかもしれません。 全米でもかなり話題になった本と聞いていただけに、呼んでいてとても説得力があり、「これは使える」と思えるところがたくさんありました。 健全で愛にあふれた関係を目指す人には必読の本です。