Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing: A Memoir

There are some books you want to look through the reviews before you decide if you want to pick it up or not, then there are others you just want to read for yourself. Matthew's book was one that I wanted to read for myself. Though in looking through the reviews now that I have finished it, I realize either someone loves it or does not, there is no in-between it seems. Before I write any more of my review - I want to point out that I am 99.9% certain I read a Kindle version that was edited to remove whatever there was about Keanu. So if someone is reading my review wondering why I don't mention it, I cannot comment on what I did not read. --- One more observation, from the reviews I did look through, it seems that most people who *listened* to the book disliked it more than those who *read* it. Seems listening to it make it more difficult to follow the already jumping timeline. Again, just my observation. From the beginning Matthew tells us how this story is going to be written/told. How? you ask? "Groundhog Day" is his favorite movie, do I really need to say anything more? If you do not understand this reference, please take the time (1 hour and 40 minutes) to watch the 1993 classic movie with Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell. Then perhaps more things will make sense for you. Thankfully I have never been an alcoholic or an addict, however, I have known several in my life. For them every day is groundhog day. Every morning the question of, "How will I get through today without a drink/pill/smoke/etc." makes every 24 hours the same. Matthew shows that in spades with his repetition throughout his story. Many of the reviews I saw complained about the repetition; if they don't understand it, perhaps they should count themselves lucky not to. To have never known someone who lives every day like this; or to not be that person themselves. Matthew's story didn't end all sunshine-and-rainbows with a happily every after. Not everyone's does. I appreciated the fact that he kept it real. That he kept it honest. That he shows his faults to us just as much as he shows us the goodness. Life isn't always polished and pretty no matter who you are or how much money you have. Matthew proves that. No matter how bad things seemed to be for him, Matthew always looked to his future, he always wanted to be there. Perhaps not always for the right reasons, but reasons that kept him moving forward nonetheless. There is something to be admired about that. Interestingly, one of my favorite lines reads, "God looked down on me, just waiting it out. He's got all the time in the world. F*<k, he invented time." There is something raw and honest and scary and funny in those words that just made me stop reading and literally highlight it in my Kindle book. Follow that with another line I highlighted that reads, "It was an amazing moment and a terrible moment all at at the same time." Talk about defining life most days. Perhaps not Pulitzer winning writing, but powerful and truthful just the same. I have to say my all-time favorite sentence is this one - "God is everywhere - you just have to clear your channel, or you'll miss it." Doesn't matter what version of God you believe in, that sentence has a profound truth to it. (That one got highlighted in pink) Not something I would have expected from Matthew. But I am grateful he wrote it. I am easily giving this book all five stars for it's raw honesty, it's openness, it's imperfectness. Just like Matthew. Yes, I finally read his story after his sudden death on October 28, 2023. As I'm writing this on November 24, 2023, his cause of death still has not been determined nor released. Which makes one last sentence stand out for me in a premonition kind of way as I wonder what COD will turn out to be... Matthew himself wrote, "I could have a cigarette right now, have a heart attack, and if no one was around to call 911, I was a goner." Well, he was home alone, and he did try to call 911 himself, but he was unable to save himself this time. Oh, Matthew. I wonder if you have finally found peace and all the deep, full Love you have always desired. Thank You for leaving a light on for us with your story. I pray it helps more people so that you may continue helping people even after you've gone on ahead of us in death.

Matthew Perry, your book changed my life. It also reaffirmed and reinforced my love for the most amazing journey of recovery that I, myself, have been on for the last fifteen years. I think you are such a beautiful and brilliant, brilliant soulful soul. I felt compelled to check out your book (and story) after I saw, again, another article about the doctors who sold you your ketamine. That afternoon, I recorded a journal entry about what I thought about your final days... Your book was full of incredible emotional nuggets!!! I especially loved how you said that you'd trade places, anytime, with any of the other characters in one particular part of your journey. That was so powerful to me. But, I wonder, now -- with the magical essence of YOU floating around and affecting so many lovely people here, if you feel the same way? In whatever realm you exist in. I think that your journey was perfectly designed for YOU and that even that particular passage you wrote on that page that I highlighted... had you had switched places or thought that thought, I and WE never would have read those words on that page... In short, I found every passage and every shared moment in your book to be part of an incredible three days spent reading all about your very, very rare and incredible quest. I think you are such a lucky and blessed human being to be able to go through all of those great arcs - those "peaks and valleys" a friend of mine calls them... ... such that you would end up in your quiet pool... in, who cares, whatever state you were in at that point. It was a COSMIC CONVERGENCE of a moment for you. When all of the great spirits and gods watching over you were there to CELEBRATE YOU!!! This is, on my own wonderful journey, what I believe happens the moment that you transcend. Like this great darkness falls upon us and a curtain opens in several ways... and all around YOU come all of these amazing figures who have been watching and following your story to welcome you. I hope that the movie they played on the big screen for everyone who showed up that night for you was everything you thought it would be - I mean, how could it not be with your life. I LOVED your book so much!!! Thank you for sharing your life with us Matthew Perry. ❤️❤️❤️💫 -Eriq

I will start with dislikes first. It is hard to follow sometimes. The structure is a little weird, the timeline bounces around, and there are so many detoxes and rehabs that it’s difficult to keep them straight. I also found myself starting to roll my eyes at an insanely rich, and famous guy who has money, upon money to burn, and throw at pills, and fancy rehabs. I think it’s easy to assume that if he didn’t have all his money he wouldn’t have been able to maintain his addiction, and would no longer be with us. However (comma) this brings me to the likes bit of this review, or more accurately the intermission. I always notice that when a famous person struggles with addiction and/or commits suicide because they are depressed, there’s always someone who says, money doesn’t bring happiness. Like it’s an opportunity to teach that lesson, and/or puts the message out there that happiness making money was what this person was after, completely missing the fact that depression and addiction are diseases. Unfortunately, people commit suicide everyday because of depression, or go to their first AA meeting, it just the famous we hear about. Now back to the review. Matthew Perry admits in his book that in his youth he wanted fame, hoping it would fill holes in his life, or holes he perceived in his life. His upbringing was nice yes, he was loved yes, however, it was the feeling of abandonment that he struggled so much with. His father leaving, his mother working so much, his parents remarrying and having families that he didn’t feel completely apart of all laid the foundation for how he viewed himself. Which is why he struggled with commitment, that led to him leaving relationships before he got left which is what he assumed would happen every time. I like that he tells his story with the perspective that he had at the time. Does it always sound good? No. Does it always make Matthew Perry seem like a great person? No. But most of time it was the fear talking, the immaturity talking, and he grows, eventually, as you read the story. He ends the book in a better place looking forward to the future. I highlighted a line toward the end that is a lesson we all can, and need to learn, addiction or not, “I am me. And that should be enough, it always has been enough. I was the one who didn’t get that. And now I do.” This book is a raw, no holding back, this is how it was warts and all, account of the Matthew Perry story told by Matthew Perry. It’s full of facts but also opinions, and perspectives that should not be taken as fact. Not everyone will like this book, and that’s true with anything. Not everyone will “see” the story Matthew Perry was trying to tell, and that also happens with other things as well. In short, I enjoyed this book. I appreciated Matthew Perry’s honesty, and his love for Chandler Bing, who will always be my favorite.

A brutally honest documentation of major aspects of Matthew Perry's life, one that will make you understand the deep, dark side of addiction and the challenges it presents. It is astonishing that Mr. Perry could become wildly successful despite the inner demons he battled every minute of his life. This tells me something was truly special about him. To have that drive, to pursue your dreams, to have so many friends and family that loved you, even though you quite possibly had to fight the worst of the worst addictions. I am terribly sad that Matthew Perry died from his disease. He still had so much to offer the world, and already had given so much of himself -- as he says in the book, to get a laugh. I highly recommend this insightful, incredible book written from a place of keen introspection, humility, and at times, humor.

I was a Jr. in High school when introduced to this actor named Matthew Perry. And every Thursday night, I tuned in to watch him and our other 5 Friends, ritually, for 10 years. At this time in my life, events in my own life were shaping me in ways I would have to wait at least 30 years, to discover I walked a parallel road with Matty. I have had over 20 surgeries and the scars to prove it. I did not have the extremes Matty did, I of course didn't have $80+ million to have that expensive of habit. I did and have still to this day, those few, touchstone friends, the ones I've lied to and betrayed over and over again. How they continued to Love me and Forgive me always, I only know now, as the most sincere, unconditional love there is. I had actual Angels on earth assigned to me that I am very grateful and thankful for. I'm honestly lucky I'm here today to state this fact. My addictions and sobriety have always been a never-ending rollercoaster for me, always drastically one way or the other. I never did anything half-assed! It was always all or nothing. Every time I'd hear on the news, the world has lost a great entertainer, too young, to Alcohol or Drugs, they never went without notice and reflection of my own trials. Did it ever stop me or wake me up? Of course not! Not until I lost my Friend, whose career and life I always kept an eye on because he felt like "The One I could always connect to IRL." It was my daughter that alerted me to Matthew Perry's death. Tears fell when she wasn't looking, and as soon as I got home, I cried and cried and cried. I posted to FB, something I don't do btw, my post was simple; I feel like I just lost my friend from High School. It took a week for me to finally buy his book, but another month to read it. Why??? Because I KNEW it was going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch! Because he's always been my example of what my life will be one day. Knowing his experiences with every Prescription were the same ones I loved the most. The fear of Heroin that has always scared me to death as well because I knew I'd love it too much! Vodka, my choice of alcohol and always stocked in the house. The fact I would and have always intentionally been the one to hurt anyone I came close to loving, before they had a chance to hurt and leave me. Even my Bestest of friends and lovers who are still "There for Me". I have never felt like I am enough to make someone happy. Why would I when my own parents couldn't find it within them to love me more than their own selves and their addictions. I always felt I had to be the life of the party because I needed to see I made people happy! That they were enjoying me being with them. Like I said, aside from the $80+ Millions and having half the world love me, we ran a parallel life. I own the book, which immediately took to be the only picture of someone in my home. But I also bought the Audible because the thought of hearing his words... I knew it would have a more impact on me. And I wasn't wrong... It took me 3 days to get through it, because of nightmares that came, Tears that would just take everything out of me. Something I did NOT know however, was that we both have the most peace when we are in front of the Pacific Ocean and his words to describe it, have always been the exact same words as mine. I absolutely crumbled during the last chapter. Not because my life was bad. But because I have also found the peace, Love, and acceptance that Matty had found. And now... Now I'm keeping Friends on a constant loop in my house. For the laughs that they all meant for us to have. To keep on my path of happiness and love. Along with Matty, hopefully not alone. Mathew, Thank you for being my Friend!

So, I will review this as two people: A writer and masters of writing student and as a fan of Matthew Perry: Hey Matthew, So, we know you can write. At least I knew you did, after I had read interviews on Mr. Sunshine a bunch of years back. You wrote a sitcom, so I knew you could probably put words together. I am glad I read this as someone who is currently reading for a degree. We have been taught to analyze, something I just do now no matter what I read, and this one was interesting. It began well enough, and your words were put together nicely. I usually like it when we move back in forth time, but in this instance, it was little too much, especially considering we changed places so often: California, to New Mexico, to Switzerland, to New York. It was time AND place jumping, which in writing, you have to do very carefully. What bothers me, is editors should have picked this up. There should have been better breaks between time/place changes and or labels (you could have been very creative here, like using the "Friends" way of labeling, 'The One where My Colon Explodes' or 'The one where I tried to get sober in Switzerland'.) I wish I could have been an editor on this book. It would have made a little more sense. You're supposed to write with the audience in mind, and I don't know if this is what happened. Seemed like it was more of a therapy assignment for you. But what do I know? I once got into a fight without taking my hoops out. Sometimes I don't know jack. The thing with memoirs is, that you can't write this in a way that constitutes a running thought because we're getting real facts with dates. As it turns out, the two most important things in the book (And why we wanted to read about your life) were a little too muddy to always keep straight. If you have to re-read to understand something multiple times, it becomes less and less fun to read. Running thoughts are great when you talk about the hook ups and minute details, but the structure was missing for the meat and potatoes (ya dig?) I write fiction, but we can also use the same ideology that we do use there: that there are rules, even within non-fiction writing, that things can be said too much and all at once. We want to know how 'Matty' (can I call you that?) talks about addiction. The horrors of addiction are real and true, and any addict knows this, but there should have been (editing? paging an editor...) a little more of an even grading downwards. Jumping off preverbal non-fiction cliffs is never fun. It's like jumping from the snow to the hot tub. I'm not sure why people are shocked that you talk about sex either. You're a nice-looking guy on TV with boatloads of cash. Of course, you got laid. Of course, women throw themselves at you and OF COURSE you were emotionally unavailable. If I have learned anything from this book, was that you weren't lying when you said, in fact, that you WERE Chandler. But I get peoples points. I mean, we got the assignment that you were a horny TV star. And then we just kept on getting it. (7,7,7,7) Redundancy. She's a *****. we want to get a point across, but then, what's too much? As a fan of yours (comedy in general), I don't think it's ever a good idea to read too much about people you admire from afar. I will never know you, and you will never talk to me in my life, so this book is all I have to go by. Yes, you were selfish (you call yourself that several times), but one thing that surprised me most, is when you spoke on how you would trade the money and the fame with your friend living in the rent-controlled apartment living with Diabetes. Considering how much you spent on treatments, and literally paying people to help you get clean, you had resources most addicts will ever see a 1/8th of. While you say you're grateful in the book, and I know you're trying to get the point across that "fame doesn't fix you", there are millions of people that would give their left um, thing, to be in your shoes, with access to Switzerland, hot nurses and new teeth (I can't even afford one implant). There is a reality missing from this that doesn't quite touch the rent-controlled tenant. This is coming more from the side of over-celebrity that most of us will never even remotely see. That chasm is large, and your perspectives after thirty years of fame are so far on the side of Hollywood, that not having money seems better. (It's not. Money won't fix everything, but it eases burdens. Ask me what my husband and I argue most about.) The title of this book should be, "The One Where the Grass is Always Greener." Matthew. Write another book. I would love to see a comedic novel from you based loosely on your life. You would get to use the words "based on a true story". You CAN write, I saw that. And while you have spent your life chasing other people's opinions, and mine shouldn't matter, consider it. There is so much untapped creativity there that it makes me crazy. Be grateful you have the platform you do and you're not a mom stuck in the burbs like me. Oh, and call Craig, and maybe pay for his Diabetes medication. That's all I have. I thank you for opening yourself up and spilling the ugly out. That's never easy. Sorry for the honestly, but then, no one care what I think anyways. Be well, Bing-a-ling. P.S- Does Yemen have a nice view?

I just finished Mathew's book. I did not realize until I was almost done with his story that it could have been my father's story accept, my father died after getting septic from colon cancer surgery. He too had a fistula and they gave him liquids which spilled out and killed him. Dad drank, smoked, and took all the same drugs Mathew did. My Dad rejected AA because of step two. My Dad had an irrational fear of "insanity". My father saw shrinks and they gave him drugs to treat the fear and anxiety. My Dad had seven children with four different woman and many woman on the side. Mathew, my Dad and myself were abandoned at a critical time when we were vulnerable children. I think my Dad, Mathew and I were and are driven by the desire to have that feeling of safety and comfort we lost early in life if it ever really existed. Maybe we are trying to find that feeling of safety and comfort we imagine only exists for others. I also believe that that 'feeling' in the gut of anxiety and fear can be about a screwed up digestive track made worse by relationships, drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Relationships, drugs, alcohol and cigarettes cause and treat the discomfort of fear and anxiety. These substances and behaviors seem to bring relief but only for a moment and then they make it worse. I think the absence of depression and anxiety can be from the absence of an irritable bowel and peace of mind. Mathew was born with colic his stomach was a problem from the start. This is a list of some of the substances he used. Constant crying from colic Mathew was drugged with phenobarbital so his parents could sleep. Dilaudid Suboxone Valium Xanax. At one point he was addicted to six milligrams of Ativan a day. booze Oxy is what blew up Mathew's colon. The warm honey feeling he describes from the oxy paralyzes the gut bringing on depression and anxiety. At one point Mathew did sixty pills a day. My Dad suffered from Oxy. I experienced it too. All this stuff impacts mood. Depression, fear, anxiety. Fear of depression, anxiety and fear. The same feelings of abandonment, fear and anxiety a small child feels [I felt] when I became aware I was abandoned. These feelings are alive and well in Mathew's and my body and they can be triggered by 'something happening good or bad' I don't like to leave my house because just pulling out of my driveway is stressful. After reading the book I can better understand myself and my Dad. I was not present for my life and I mistreated the people I love while seeking relief from my addiction/discomfort. I even became co-dependent in recovery by trying to replace the substances with gurus. I too had the spiritual experience that made me feel completely loved and free from my insanity. It lasted until I tried to talk about it with other people who did not "get it". I was distracted by their lack of appreciation for what I was saying. After reading this book I feel like I have been in rehab for a week. I see my disease better. Mathew Perry lived the unbelievable nightmare of mental illness and lived to tell about it. We focus on the substance when that substance is really just an attempt to treat the real problem. Is self-awareness of the core issue enough to free oneself from the intolerable agony of having paralyzing feelings of being discarded and fearing it will happen again and again. Even if only just by the president of the PTA. Isolation is the only way I knew to protect myself from fulfilling the prophecy my sister made to me. She said I would never have any friends. I was eight years old. She was nine. I believed her. I was all alone on Rancho Drive. I had no friends not even my sister. Just the word "friends" can trigger my discomfort. No matter how many people I call friend I can not dispel that belief. The big secret I carry is I believe I have no value. When people treat me as though I have no value I want to die. Mathew said it annihilated him to be left. Annihilated describes the feeling I want to avoid the most. Until now I could not think of a word strong enough to convey my discomfort. Annihilation feels right. Sadly, whenever I risked talking about this belief, I was told to "get over it". That would be fine accept it is who I think I am. Can I just get over it? What or how would I know if I were over it? "I want God to always be there for me now, whenever I clear my channel to feel his awesomeness." I hope you read the book.

Matthew Perry, may he rest in peace, bared his soul for the world to read before his untimely death last year. He did it in an honest and uncomfortable way - he shared details that he could have kept private, and his pain could be felt radiating from the pages. I admire that he was willing to open up in that way if for no other reason than that it gives a real clarity to just how unwell he was for so long and how harmful addiction was to him and all that knew and loved him. While he never wanted to be most remembered for Friends, the truth is that for many of us Friends fans, he was beloved for the show. I enjoyed his other work as well, and I respect the work he did in helping other addicts gain and remain sobriety, but a Matthew Perry memoir without Friends would be a lie. The chapters on how he was cast in Friends and his experiences on the set were the happiest in the book, though not always actually happy since he was an addict long before stepping foot on the set. His chapters on various love interests, and on his womanizing, were not so much although I've always wondered about the abrupt end to his relationship with Julia Roberts. He's very up front, though, about how much harm he did to the women he fled from. Most heartbreaking of all were the chapters on his addiction - and that was the main focus of this book. His anger and his pain and his frustration and his lifelong struggle to gain some semblance of normal while wrestling with the demons of alcohol and drugs are palpable. It hurts to read, and to imagine, such a life - a person with so much talent and charisma who simply cannot break free of a disease that does so much damage. I worried that reading this autobiography would change my perception of Perry and of Friends - I would say that it certainly revealed a lot about Perry that I wish weren't true, for his own sake and that of his family and friends, but did not impact my love of Friends or of Chandler Bing. The truth is that Matthew Perry was brilliant as Chandler, and Chandler was an integral part of Friends, and I'll always need the laughter and tears that Chandler and Friends bring to me upon a rewatch. Still, this is a devastating read - to know that this man lived in such pain and torment and tried so many times to rise above only to be sucked back in, hurts my heart. The book includes pictures from throughout Perry's life and covers his time on this earth from birth through just before his passing, as well as a forward by Lisa Kudrow.