Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

As a therapist, I found this book very helpful in understanding the need for couples to bond completely in order to keep their relationship alive. Tatkin bases his research on premises that include current research on marital therapy as well as on neuropsychology.He provides ten basic premises for maintaining a good marriage. He speaks often of the 'couple bubble'. This is a way for couples to put one another first, to keep themselves a priority for one another in spite of all the influx of information and experiences that come their way. Couples need to form a bubble, a safe place where they are available to one another 24/7 and they attempt to fulfill their partner's needs in any way they can. It goes both ways and it is a protective device.I also liked his analogy of 'ambassadors' and 'primitives'. Ambassadors are the rational aspects of our brain that steer our relationship. The primitives are the more basic aspects of survival that most of us have been programmed for as children. It is more of a 'fight or flight' component that each of us has. There needs to be an understanding in ourselves of these two components of our brain and, more importantly, depending on our upbringing, we may need to work on understanding what makes our partner tick.The book is accessible to anyone, therapist or layman. The information is very helpful and can be used by any married couple. Therapists will be pleased to see that Tatkin quotes the most recent research and incorporates it in his book. I found this book very intuitive and have used his suggestions in the therapy I already do. However, I have picked up some new ideas that I will surely incorporate in the future.

Well written with good facts and points

Can’t go wrong w Tadkin!

Checked first edition at from the library and was enjoying reading and decided to purchase my own copy. To my dismay, the second edition Gwyneth Paltrow and Alanis Morissette recommendations. Just not my speed and off-putting. Returning, but will finish library copy.

First, I'm a big Stan Tatkin fan. I've read almost all of his books and find his PACT Therapy very interesting. This book is a great companion to his Wired For Love workshop. The whole idea of this has to be good for both of us has been very helpful to me. If both of you can do this work, it's truly amazing and will bring you closer.

How I wish I had a resource like this years ago when I was struggling with my marriage. I've read a number of relationship tune-up books throughout the years, and each helped somewhat. It was very encouraging to see those same familiar authors (Hendrix, Gottman, Perel, etc.) offering praise for Dr. Tatkins work at the get go. And the fact that he's put so much good information into a book that is less than 200 pages is a testament to his organized approach, which was friendly, playful, and effective.The explanations and exercises in the book proved to me for the first time that it's not just about doing positive things for your partner, and "thinking" about the relationship, but rather there are automatic responses that mess with a relationship no matter how much "thinking" we do. What a relief to know that problems can come from our biological wiring as well as our attachment history, and they can be easily managed once you know what to look for!While it was a relief to learn how these neurological autopilots can be tamed, it makes me sad to realize I mostly didn't know what my brain was doing when in past relationships in an effort to feel safe, which now seems tragic. Like I said, I wish I had this book sooner. By distilling a great deal of research into understandable language, Dr. Tatkin has laid out a path to intimacy that I'd not seen before but now, makes so much sense. I dare say he has improved my concept of what being in love should look and feel like. Frankly, it feels MUCH better than I ever could have imagined.No matter how good you think your relationship is, get this book!

This book genuinely changed my marriage. It help my husband and I both understand each other better and prioritize the right things in our relationship. We are in the couple bubble these days and loving it!! I buy as a gift for all my loved ones these days!

TL;DR: I got a lot more out of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" that I read eight years ago if looking for something on attachment theory.Didn't really like the book and found it simplistic. It was hard to determine credibility of the author. Half of the 'examples' feel real and half feel made up to prove an authors point. Do you know anyone who has thought "huh, all the unhappy couples I see don't make eye contact with their partners like I do!"Similarly, compared to other books on mental health and human interaction, it was pretty light on research. Two studies within 40 years to provide credibility of a core foundation of the book? Okay, but why 7 at the end to prove a paragraph that 'humans need touch'. Its strange.Also feel like the idea of an isolated couple who stand together as an island felt pretty outdated. Relationship above all else is ripe for abuse. Two times it questions couples having 'individual therapists', which is bizarre.