How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women

This book is amazing. Written by a man, you would think he wouldn’t “get it” as far as a woman’s perspective goes... but he hits the nail on the head. I feel like I’m reading my own life story. He also helps you to understand how each sex is conditioned to be the way they are and how that can affect relationships. If nothing else, this book provides enormous support for people who are married yet feeling completely alone, that it is very common and how these patterns form. Excellent author who knows his stuff.

This book breaks down relationships and the work they require into small pieces that I, as a therapist and a wife, can implement instantly into my relationship and the relationships of my clients. Excellent!

For the educated person while not being too textbook-y or self-help-y. Real doesn't coddle, so if your're ready to take action, this is for you. Real illustrates different relationship issues by using case studies as examples; and thoughtfully describes the various factors (generation, upbringing, social constructions, etc.) that contribute to those issues. Most importantly, Real thoroughly reviews fundamental principles and skills necessary to resolve those issues. If you can't resolve your issues after reading this book, at least you'll come away with a greater understanding of them, yourself, or your partner.

This book is truly wonderful. It's written to captivate the high-drama of couples therapy and yet, it is down-to-earth enough that the principles really resonate. I can't think of one hetero couple I know that doesn't experience (or struggle) with the patterns that Mr. Real lays out in this book based on the dominance of patriarchal psychology. His solutions are simple and I found them personally life changing.One personal note for Mr. Real, if he reads these: you need a better copy editor! This was rife with errors.

Real life, real struggles with real solutions. I read mostly on airplanes when traveling on business and I could not wait til my next trip to get back into this book. It pushes you, comforts you, it's relatable. If you want change in your relationship, start with this book.

I read this book for the sake of my daughter, who was experiencing difficulties with her new husband. Fortunately, they both admired this therapist, Terrence Real. I found in my marriage of 31 years that it is very important to find a third party not related to either partner in a marriage whom both partners respect. Terrence Real addresses the problem of expectations between husbands & wives since women's work outside the household increases from more traditional roles confined to the home.

This is an excellent book. Real has thought through couple's issues in a smart way, refreshingly different than many who have preceded him.In this book, Real faces head-on the reality that many women come into couples work with fierce anger, frustrated by trying to achieve true emotional intimacy with their man. His premise is that many women's responsibilities and aspirations have grown as part of the women's movement and their resulting, empowered roles, during decades when many men's roles and expectations have progressed less dramatically. As difficult as the tone of the anger and complaint, Real suggests the substance of women's frustrations is right-on, which will provide some much needed vindication for women readers.This book is full of composite examples of couples-therapy sessions where the woman's attitude sounds in complaint and withering anger. The man in these examples sounds clueless, and deeply hurt by the woman's anger. Real's prototypical woman comes off like a nag, shaming while complaining. It is at this point where men typically recoil avoiding facing women's needs, and their own fears.In Real's analysis, unconscious and almost always unacknowledged entitlement characterizes the man's side of the relationship problems. We were raised to quietly sit back in much that happens in the home, letting things take care of themselves. In reality, things don't really take care of themselves; women are taking care of them. Men's toughest work, it seems, is traditionally as breadwinner outside the home. Once home, perhaps enlightened some by the women's movement, we may do some chores and help some with the kids. But we may also quietly avoid the challenging work of true relational intimacy with our woman. The man often sees no problem, or at least no rational issue.The man may think, "what's the problem: I am nice and thoughtful. I don't rage or abuse....." But the rub may be in his disengagement, and in his urgent avoidance of shame. Having studied male depression ( I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression "), Real understands that men's issues are often driven by shame, where women's are often driven by fear.Because women are most heavily tasked with maintaining relationship, and are very often dependent on the man for economic and child-rearing reasons, women's fears are usually first expressed circumspectly, on eggshells, rather than angrily. The fierce anger arises later -- after more delicate strategies have maddeningly failed. The anger feels like poison to the man.Real's approach is much needed, and this book not only explains unflinchingly, but suggests ways out of the deadlock. There have been important contributions along the way - e.g.,  Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples . And there are libraries full of hyped up, supposed love-life panaceas. This fellow has a smart, tough set of insights, with ideas for finding our way out of the wilderness of too many current relationships. Highly recommended, for both men and women, and for couples therapists.Real has since published an excellent follow up book structured a bit more as a "how to" guide:  The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work . This is also very highly recommended.

This book came into my life at a much needed moment. I recommend it to every single individual out there. If we wish to continue our monogamous way of life, it's time to shatter the illusion that we only need to work on a relationship to GET the one we love and desire. The maintenance of a relationship is such a beautiful journey, with all its perfect imperfections. Thank you, Terry.

Good read.

Deep insights that are needed in this culture, and on this planet, at this time. Terrence Real understands women and understands men. A rare skill! This book is a must for all couples who suffer and who want to heal.

Terry Real is the first therapist who shows us how to honest with ourselves and embrace our humanity. Highly recommend

Good read.

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